The Recommencement
by thereisnothingbetterthanyou
Summary: Kate is pregnant but determined to abort the baby. But what does that mean for Castle/Beckett's relationship? I suck at summaries, please give it a chance! (Alexis doesn't exist in this fic)
1. Breaking news

**-This is set in AU. Alexis does not exist in this fic, it makes it easier and gives Kate a reason to have troubles knowing if Rick would be a good dad. Everything else is pretty much the same, could play in the middle of S5 as far as their relationship goes but I have to mention that I picture Castle/Beckett in this fic a little bit younger. In my mind Kate is 29 & Rick 34.-**

It was time for her yearly routine checkup. She had known Dr. Talbert since she started at the academy, trusted him and normally it was fun chatting with him during her appointment. She hadn't felt too well the last couple weeks and was glad she hadn't to get an additional appointment to find out what was wrong with her.

„This may come as a shock for you, but Kate…you're pregnant."

The words echoed in Kate's brain. _Pregnant._

She crawled up a little bit on the exam table she was lying on. "I'm…" her hand went through her hair and she shook her head slightly "I'm..pregnant?!" She now sat up. "Are you sure?" Kate looked up with a confused look "Uhh… sorry of course you're sure. This is your job, you're a doctor after all." She flustered trying to get down from the exam table her gaze concentrating on her shoes.

Dr. Talbert chuckled and laid his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay Kate. You're in some kind of a shock. That's normal. Those are breaking news. What about I finish up here, print out some results and you get dressed and we talk about the next steps in my office." Kate just nodded her head and went to the dressing room. After she came back out and sat down in the chair in the office, Dr. Talbert sat down in the chair opposite her.

"Okay Kate. I assume you're still on the pill, aren't you?"

"Yes. Yes I am." Her hands were folded in her lap. She didn't know where to look. This was too much for her. A baby? _How was she supposed to deal with a Baby?_ God, what was she supposed to tell Rick?

"It doesn't happen often that someone gets pregnant while being on the pill but in your case it did happen. I'm sorry if it's too personal that I ask but do you know who the father is?"

Becket sighed "Yeah I know who the father is. He's my boyfriend."

"Well that's good news after all, you can talk with him about everything and maybe next time he can come along." Dr. Talbert smiled at her what she thought was supposed to be reassuring.

"I don't wanna keep it." Kate blurted out.

Dr. Talbert seemed surprised. "Ohhh… there are options of course. You're not too far along, so you could go for an abortion. But I want you to really think about this step. Talk to your boyfriend about it. If you decide to give birth to the child you could go for an adoption and I also have to tell you that there are a lot of risks in the first trimester of a pregnancy. " The smile had left his face and all that was left was a concerned look.

"I want an abortion." Kate stated, looking up into the Doctors face with determination in her eyes.

"Kate" he said softly "please think about it. I would suggest we talk again in 2 weeks. Tracy will give you an appointment. If you're still sure you want to go through with the abortion we will talk about detailed steps at our next appointment. I will give you some brochures about every option you have and some things you should keep in mind the next couple weeks."

"I appreciate it but I don't think my decision on this topic will change , but we can talk again in 2 weeks." She got up, taking the brochures of the table and shoving them in her purse, opening the door to the waiting room.

She said her goodbyes over her shoulder and went up to the front desk to get a new appointment.

After she left the doctor's office she went for a walk. Strolling through New York normally always helped to clear her head. Her walk lead her to Central Park which was beautiful in the Spring. Kate always was captivated when she saw all the blossom flowers and the soft green of the Trees. But now seeing the new life around her just reminded her of her miserable situation. It was a miserable situation after all, wasn't it? She didn't want a baby, at least not now. The timing wasn't right. _**A **__**baby**_**.** A tiny life she was responsible for. She wasn't up for that kind of challenge.

Why her and why now? Everything seemed to had fallen into place the last couple weeks. Rick and she weren't ready for a baby, they didn't even live together, had briefly discussed marriage. But they were happy together; she enjoyed their relationship and having him around in her professional and private life. Beckett knew that she had to tell him and better sooner than later, but she was afraid. Afraid of how he would react and what he would say to this turn in events. She had the feeling he wouldn't agree with her decision to not keep the baby.

**_...to be continued._**

**please be kind to me and leave a review. it would make my day. :)**


	2. 20 things to keep in mind

**Wow thanks guys for the reviews,follows & favorites! Haven't expected so many people to actually like my idea of the story, but thank you it makes me super happy! I'll try to update as regularly as I can. Enjoy the second chapter of my story. :)**

After walking through New York for 4 hours and still freaking out about the question How to tell Castle, Kate opened the door to her apartment. She had called in work, asking to get the rest of the day off.

After she put her keys on the kitchen counter, got out of her jacket and sat down at the couch she pulled out her phone and called Rick.

"_This is the voicemail of Richard Castle, please leave a message after the beep." _

"Hi Castle, this is Kate. Uhm…could you come over as soon as you get this message? Don't freak out everything is fine. I just…I just wanna see you, that's all. Bye"

she hung up the phone got up from the couch and went over to her door where she had dropped her purse finding all of the brochures Dr. Talbert had given her. Kate was restless, she had to do _something_, normally she would go for a run but knowing Castle and that he really would come over as soon as he got the message, she had to find something else to keep her busy. Knowing that Tv wouldn't keep her mind occupied and knowing she was way too nervous to concentrate on a book, she went for the brochures. With those in her hand she went over to one of the kitchen bar stools, sitting down and putting them all out in front of her.

There were 5 in total. One about adoption, one about abortion and the other 3 were just normal pregnancy brochures with either a baby or a happy pregnant woman on the cover.

"_Have a stress-free pregnancy."_ Nope she wasn't gonna read that one, so she picked up the next one from the counter _"20 things to keep in mind when you're pregnant." _This should be interesting she thought to herself starting to read number one.

**1. Eat regularly & healthy**

Ugh first thing on the list and already the first thing she would have a problem with if she would keep the baby. Kate was a workaholic with a crazy schedule, sometimes she just forgot to eat, it happened and it had never really been an issue. _And eat healthy?_ Her fridge was empty 24/7 if it wasn't for a takeout container every once in a while. Speaking of takeout she was sure they wouldn't consider takeout as healthy.

**2. Don't smoke**

Well at least that was an easy one. She didn't smoke- never had.

**3. Don't drink alcohol.**

Kate wasn't an alcoholic and didn't have to have a drink every single night, but she did enjoy having a glass of wine with castle or Lanie once in a while or a drink at the bar with the boys. She didn't want to give that up.

**4. Avoid consuming large quantities of caffeine.**

No large quantities of caffeine?! She needed coffee especially if she had to work late or if she caught a case at 3a.m. It was something she relied on and something she was hanging on to in her everyday life. How was she supposed to stay awake if she was only allowed to drink one cup of coffee per day?

Kate threw the brochure back on the counter; just reading 4 of the 20 things made her realize that she had a problem with already 3 of them. This wouldn't work for her.

It's probably easy for women to give all of this up when they really want their baby, when they're so happy and excited to welcome a newborn in the world that giving up coffee seems like an easy task. Beckett thought to herself. But it wasn't easy for her. A lot of this didn't go along with her job and this was only the beginning of a long list why she didn't want to keep the baby.

She got startled when she heard a knock on the door…

**Okay next chapter is all about Castle finding out about Kate being pregnant. What did you think about this chapter and how do you think Castle should find out about the pregnancy? I have two options and I'm not really sure which one I'm gonna publish. Him finding the pregnancy brochures before Kate has a chance to tell him or Kate telling him the minute he sets foot in her apartment. Which version would you guys like to read? Hit the review button and let me know. :)**


	3. Hold me

**Sorry! I didn't want to keep u guys hanging like this but my Laptop broke and I have to get a new one. I really hope you'll enjoy this chapter! Thanks for everyone who left a review! I always keep them in mind while writing my story! :)**

Kate took a deep breath before opening the door.

"So you want to see me huh? It's hard to be without me isn't it? Said castle while leaning on the doorframe giving her a smirk.

She rolled her eyes, opening the door a little bit more to let him in.

'I know I'm irresistible.' He continued while setting foot in her apartment. When Kate closed the door he put his arm around her waist, pulling her close.

He smelled like his cologne, books and something she really couldn't pinpoint but it smelled amazing and if he would keep standing just a few inches away she wouldn't be able to tell him why she called him over here at all.

Trying to get out of his embrace she looked up at him, hoping he wouldn't notice the sad and desperate look on her face.

"Okay handsome. What about if you sit down on the couch while I change in more comfortable clothes?" She didn't want to tell him that she just searched for an excuse to get away from him and gather her thoughts to think about a really good opener to tell him that she was expecting a baby and wasn't willing to keep it.

"Ohh can I hope for a make out session on the couch when you get back?"

"No, we actually really have to talk about something" she replied kissing him on the cheek and disappearing into her bedroom.

Castle went over to the kitchen to get a glass of water before sitting down on the couch. He had a bad feeling about this. Kate hadn't really laughed about his jokes, she seemed worried and off and had studied the floor nearly the entire time since he got here. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was up.

Kate hadn't been away too long maybe 2 or 3 minutes. Enough time to decide that she would just tell him right away. I'm pregnant. That's all she would say, nothing more. She hoped everything would come up in the discussion after she dropped the news on him.

Her palms were sweaty and she dried them off on the leggings she had put on. Nervous didn't even come close to describe how she felt at the moment. She wanted to jump out of her skin and was sick to her stomach. Closing her eyes trying to calm down her nerves the only thing she could think was: just get it over with already. He'll understand.

Coming back into the living room her gaze went straight to the couch, hoping to find him looking at her with a smile on his he wasn't sitting on the couch. Kate stopped in her tracks, looking around her apartment and finding castle standing at the kitchen counter- looking down on something. His hands clenching the edge of the surface.

_What in the world? What was he looking at? _

And then she remembered... The brochures! _Shit!_

She had put them away hadn't she? Please, she clearly didn't want him to find out about the pregnancy by reading these damn brochures. And there was one about abortion too. Gooooosh this couldn't be true.

She took a few steps closer to the kitchen counter but he still didn't look up.

She stopped a few feets away, looking at his face which was stroked by a look of sheer surprise and something else. _Happiness?!_ _Was he smiling at the brochures?_

"Rick?" Her voice sounded thin and childlike.

Castle clearly hadn't notice her approaching him cause he jumped when he heard her voice.

"Kate..." His voice raspy " Kate" he tried again" clearing his throat.

"Is this" he picked up one of the brochures and hold it in the air " is this true? Are you..." He took a breath having trouble to get the word over his lips. When it came out it was just over a whisper "pregnant?"

He put the brochure back down looking at her and holding her gaze.

His face was glowing- looking like a little boy at Christmas- hope in his eyes.

She was stunned, hadn't expected a reaction like this at all. How could he be so happy about the message when she felt so terrible about it? How could he be nervous, what he clearly was, that it maybe wasn't true and that she would crush his dreams and hopes if her answer would be no?

She felt tears running down her face, every emotion crushing down on her seeing him standing there like this, shifting from one foot to the other.

"Yes" her voice barely more than a whisper either, but clearly loud enough for him to understand.

He stroked his hands over his face a couple times and when he took them away the only thing she could see was the biggest smile in the world.

She broke eye contact bringing the back of her hand up to her face to wipe away the tears.

Castles smile washed away the minute he noticed the stream of tears on her face. Seeing her standing there like this she had never seemed so lost and worried.

He went over to her, cradling her face in his hands. One of his thumbs brushing away the upcoming tears.

"Hey" he said kissing her forehead. "Hey come here" one of his hands coming around her back, the other one resting on the back of her head bringing her close. When her head rested on his chest and her arms went around his torso she lost it.

Sobs broke out of her chest, tears streamed down her face and soaked trough his shirt.

Kate couldn't help it. She had held herself together the whole day, trying to be strong and rational. Thinking about her options and thinking about how to tell Rick. Now she was exhausted and having him hugging her close and his hand running soothing circles over her back made her realize how much she had needed him holding her like this. Taking away some of the burden she had felt pushing her down. She let everything out. Accepting that her world had shattered but on the other hand realizing that she wasn't alone in this.

"It's okay Kate. Shhhh everything is going to be alright" he whispered in her ear, leading them over to the couch pulling her into his lap.

She felt so fragile, it was one of the few times that he saw her letting her guard completely down, letting him see her weak side.

"You don't need to be scared. I'm here. I'm not going away, we can do this. I know we can" he continued whispering in her ear. "I know this is not how we have planned it but it's going to be alright. It's going to be alright. Trust me" he rocked them forth and back, his hand running through her hair. Tugging her close, kissing the top of her head.

Her sobs calmed down. Tears runned dry. Kate has never felt this tired and powerless for a long time. She let her head rest on his shoulder a little longer. It felt good having him here with her. Even if she knew she had to crush all his expectations and hopes in a little while. She wanted to say thank you in a way, so she lifted her head up and moved around till she was able to rest one of her hands on his cheek, looking up in the deep blue of his eyes. They shared a soft kiss, lips barely touching. She broke away closing her eyes letting her hand drop back down in her lap. Finally she spoke out what she couldn't keep any longer inside 'I don't wanna keep it'

Kate could feel Castles body going rigid. His arms tensing around her back.

His voice was sharp: _What?_

**Thoughts? Next chapter is going to be all about Castle trying to convince Kate to give their little Family a chance. Wanna make me super happy?! Hit the review button. ;)**


	4. Not on the same page

**First of all Thank you for all the reviews and follows, you guys are amazing! Now to the question if Kate will keep the baby- I don`t know yet. I´m bouncing ideas back and forth in my head, but have a little faith in me. I think its all going to turn out just fine. ;)**

"What?" His voice was sharp.

Kate got up stepping away from the couch- away from him. She wished she could step back into his embrace, having him holding her again, telling her that everything was going to be alright, if it clearly wasn't. All she wanted right now was to fall asleep in his arms, she was tired not really up for anything but when she looked into his eyes and saw how happiness had turned into anger, she knew that this was going to be ugly and she knew if there ever was a time to stand her ground it was now.

"I don't want it" She repeated.

"Kate. I know You're scared but I am too." He got up from the couch and tried to give her a reassuring smile but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"We can do this! We can read books on parenting, we can go to a course, we can.."

"It's not about the parenting. I just don't want to be a mom. There is no room for a baby in my life right now. I am happy with how my life is. I don't need a baby in it."

"You'll be great mom! You'll be amazing- we'll be amazing! Trust me, it's all going to be ok."

He tried to come closer- to touch her but she stepped away crossing her arms over her chest.

"How can you tell me that I would be a great mom? You don't know that! You don't know if I would be a good mom cause I definitely don't think I'll be. You can't stand there and tell me whatever you think is true cause you don't know that. You don't!"

"Yes- you're right I don't know, but I believe. I _believe_ you would be a great mom cause I know you. And the difference is that you don't believe in yourself, you don't even give yourself a chance to prove yourself wrong, because you turn your chance down the minute you get it."

"I didn't want this chance! I never wanted it. Why should I take the chance if its wasted on me?" She spun around facing him.

Their argument had heated up, their voices had gotten louder and each of them tried to stare the other down.

"Because your not alone in this, Kate! Cause you can't turn your back on me and do whatever you want. You can't do it! Cause if you want it or not its my decision too. It's my baby too, Kate!"

" Yes,but u can't always get what you want Rick! You can't tell me what to do and what not to do. I want to do it cause I think it's the best. I have reasons why I don't want this baby and its not just one, there are plenty of reasons why. I could write a list of all the things holding me back. I'm not ready! You may are, but I'm not! There are still so many things I want to do, so many things I want for us before I even start thinking about getting a baby"

Rick clearly started to get frustrated by all of this. He took a deep breath before answering "Life doesn't always turn out like you want it to! You of all people should know best how unpredictable life is and how we should take every chance of happiness we can get! There will always be things you want to do, always be things you haven't accomplished yet and that's okay. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you can't accomplish them anymore or do them anymore. Becoming a parent doesn't mean you have to put your dreams and hopes on hold. Your life doesn't end!"

"But it definitely feels like it does!" Kate exclaimed.

How can you say that?! Why are you not even a little bit happy or excited about it? How can you be against this so much?"

"CAUSE I DON'T WANT IT! WHY DON'T YOU GET IT? I DON'T FREAKING WANT THIS BABY!"

"FINE!" Rick was yelling back at her. "BUT WHY DON'T YOU GET THAT I WANT IT- WANT ALL OF IT!? I WANT .THE BABY!"

"If you make me have this baby you'll have none of it." She regretted it the moment the words came out of her mouth.

Rick starred at her, a blank look on his face. He frankly couldn't believe she just said that and if she was honest she couldn't believe it herself.

"Do you really think I would force you to keep the child? Do you think that low of me?" His voice sounded broken, all the fight drained out of it.

"You know what Kate. All I wanted for us was to talk about it. But that doesn't seem to be possible cause you made your mind up the minute you got the news, You don't even give me a chance." He went to the door and opened it.

"Rick, I..." She took a step forward, trying to get to him.

"Save it, kate! I've got it."

"Rick!" She exclaimed, but he had already left her apartment.

**" sooo next chapter she'll be either talking with Martha or Jim. Hit the review button to let me know who you guess it'll be! **


	5. A cup of tea

**Thanks for the reviews people. They always make my day! Something I wanna talk about cause a lot of people asked me if Kate is keeping the baby: I have a couple of ideas how I want the story to end, I haven't written anything yet so everything is still out in the open. But I can tell you this much; I normally really enjoy happy ends. ;)**

Kate could hear Castle shouting when she got out of the elevator and walked up to his front door. "She doesn't wanna have any of it! It's like talking to a wall. Why is she so damn stubborn?! Can't she at least _once_ think about how her decisions are affecting the people around her?"  
"Well..." she heard Marthas muffled voice through the walls "You don't seem to be able to get her point of view either so I would say you guys are even."  
"Are you serious? Do you wanna tell me that..." Castle didn't finish his sentence cause in this moment Kate finally had the courage to knock on the door.

"The whole world seems to be against me right now." Castle muttered when he opened the door and saw who was standing in front of him.  
"Castle, can we talk?"  
"Hold your breath, Kate. I don't wanna hear about it- and I don't wanna fight about it. Not that you care, but I don't think it's the right decision. "  
"You got it all wrong! I never wanted to…" Castle interrupted her mid-sentence.  
"I think it's the best if you would leave"

His voice cut right through her, Kate was stunned. She couldn't even reply anything cause she honestly wasn't prepared for so much hatred.

"Naaa" Martha came up behind Castles frame. "I would love for her to come in"  
"Mother!" Castle turned around and gave Martha a deadly look. After a couple moments he only shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever. If she comes in, I'm outta here." And with that he took his jacket and left the loft.

Kate was on the edge of crying. She had given him room, didn't call or text him. Giving them both time to think about everything- to calm down till they were ready to talk again. That was the reason why she had waited 3 days to come here. She couldn't stand the distance any longer, she wanted to talk it out but it didn't seem like he was ready to talk about any of it.

Martha jolted Kate out of her thoughts."He can be like a little boy sometimes."

"Rick has every right to be mad at me." She quietly replied.  
"From what Richard told me, it's not entirely your fault. He can be persuasive when people don't agree with him and it's not wrong to feel the way you do Kate." Martha spoke softly.  
"You think?" Kate asked, being relieved to have found at least someone who didn't judge her right frim the beginning.  
"Yes, kiddo." Martha put her arm around Kates shoulder giving her a quick hug. "What about if I make us a cup of tea and we talk?"  
Kate was able to smile the first time since Rick had left her apartment the other night. "That sounds lovely Martha."

When they both had a steaming cup of tea in front of them, Kate could feel Martha staring at her- waiting for her to talk. Since she didn't want to start with the obvious she asked her something she was curious about.

„When did Rick tell you about it?"

„Ohh" Martha started „actually he told me today. Didn't talk for days. He didn't want to tell me at all."

„How did you find out?"

„Lucky guess" Martha chuckled. „I asked him straight out if you were pregnant and if that was the reason for his early midlife crisis. Took him by surprise and he spilled the whole story."

„Just for the record tho, what would've been your second guess?" Kate stared at the older lady waiting for her answer.

"That he'd proposed and you said no. But that seemed unlikely, so I went with my first guess."

„Did he really tell you _everything_?" Kate was playing with the handle of her teacup, she hadn't even noticed how on edge she was till she felt another hand covering hers and squeezing it lightly, calming her down.

„He told me the most important part. That you don't want to keep it and that he doesn't understands why. Especially cause he would give up everything to have this little family."

"He wants it so badly and I feel awful for taking it away from him." She felt the tears welling up insider her.

"And he will feel the same way if you have the child and then are unable to cope with the situation, knowing that you felt like this from the beginning."

"I never expected him to react this way at all. I thought he would feel at least a little bit like I do."

"He always wanted kids. Maybe because he knows that he finally would have someone for his silly Laser Tag game or to watch Star Wars with or to just have an excuse to try out all the kids toys he always wants to buy" Kate laughed with tears in her eyes, knowing that was Martha was saying was true. In a child Rick would find a playmate for a lifetime.

"Rick would be a great dad."

"Yes he would be but that doesn't help if the child would've a mother who isn't ready to be a mom."

The tears were now streaming down her face. Martha had said what she was thinking for the last couple days, she would be a mother but not a mom.

"I wish I could change how I feel."  
"No you shouldn't- not because of Richard at least, if you change how you feel then because you _want_ to feel differently about it. A baby changes everything and you shouldn't go into it halfhearted."

"So what do I do?"

What Richard needs Katherine is a talk- one without yelling at each other. He needs to know your reasons for your decision. Remember? He can't accept something without knowing the story. Tell him everything. He'll come to his senses but in return you should listen to what he has to say."  
"How do I get him to talk to me? At the moment he can't even stand to be in the same room."  
"He knows that you're ready to talk again. You made your move. It'll be nagging at him to know why you were here. I know Richard, he'll come to you before you know it." She winked at Kate, got up and came around the kitchen counter taking Kates face in her hands and softly brushing the tears away.

"Go home. Sleep, it looks like you weren't able to do so in days."

"Thank you Martha. For everything-it means a lot."

"Of course and don't forget Katherine; the universe has mysterious ways sometimes, but you'll see everything will turn out just fine"  
She gave Kate a hug and brought her to the door.  
"Martha?" Kate turned around one more time before opening the door to go back to her apartment "Can you..." She took a breath "can you tell Rick that I love him?" Her cheeks were blushing, feeling silly for asking Martha for such a favor.

"Katherine, I'm pretty sure he knows that you love him. Even if you guys were fighting."  
"I know but..." She was painting patterns on the floor with her shoe "could you still tell him? Please?"  
"Yes darling, I will tell him"  
Kate released her breath. "Thank you."

**Ugh okay I know I know maybe you don't even believe that it'll ever turn out in a good way BUT I promise you, I'll fix some things in the next chapter. Especially cause I really can't afford to pay for Badaboumbas funeral. ;)**  
** And for everyone who hoped it would be Jim she would be talking to, he'll appear soon! (& this is not the last time she'll talk with Martha)**

**Next chapter is the talk between Rick & Kate: leave me a review with something you want that comes up in the discussion. (Or you maybe you have a sentence/phrase you want me to use?) All suggestions are welcome :)**


	6. Shrimps and Honesty

**Beginning of this chapter is from Castles POV which I haven't done before. I hope you enjoy it. And this chapter is waaaay longer than I intended it to be so I really hope you like long chapters. ;)**

Castle opened the door to Kates apartment with the key she had given him months ago. It was so familiar for him to come to her apartment every now and then, it was and felt like his second home but now stepping into the dim lighted apartment it couldn't have felt more out of place. Last time he had been her she had told him the happiest and most devastating news he had ever received. The most amazing one by letting him know that she was carrying his child and the other one telling him that she didn't want to keep the baby. He still didn't know how to feel about the later one, he knew there was more behind it, than that she only wanted to get out of this situation the easiest way possible, but he felt angry and hurt by her decision. A decision she had made all by herself before he could even give his input on anything of it. Stepping more fully into the room he noticed that Kate was nowhere to be seen. Was she home at all? He had called the precinct and they had told him that Kate had taken the whole week off without further explanation. His Mother had told him that Kate felt awful about how they had ended things the last time they had talked but that was _her_ fault not his. But still he cared about this woman more than about anything else and he knew that despite everything she needed him and if he was honest with himself he needed her. He hadn't slept in days but was too proud to just call her to take him out of his misery, he hadn't even planned to come over here at all today but while taking a walk through the city he had mysteriously taken the route to her apartment. Like something had drawn him near her presence.

"Kate" he called out into the empty space hoping for an answer. He put the take-out boxes he had brought over down on the kitchen counter. Food would help- it always did when they had to talk about something. He had brought Chinese-her favorite, Kate was awful in taking care of herself especially when it came to regular eating habits but now she had to eat more regularly cause she was not only eating for herself and she didn't only damage herself by not eating she was putting the baby in danger as well. It was just how Kate was and he did his best to be the supporting boyfriend she needed right now.

She still hadn't replied to his call out for her but Castle could see a fading light coming from under her bedroom door. He opened the door as softly and quietly as he could and there she was lying on the bed, eyes closed. She was sleeping. He had always admired her for her beauty and this was a moment were he was just in awe that this woman had chosen him to conquer her heart- Even if it had taken forever.

He put his jacket down on the bedside table and crawled into the space next to her. Putting his arm around her he rested his hand on her belly. He moved closer nuzzling his face into her hair which was sprawled all across the pillow. He was still mad at her and they hadn't resolved anything but he loved her and right now he was just tired and hoped he would be able to sleep at least a little bit. He hadn't been able to do so in days.

Kate woke up to someone rubbing her tummy in circling movements. She hadn´t slept so well in a long time and she didn't want to open her eyes. Her bed felt like the safest place on earth. She could feel Ricks presence nearby and smiled.

_Wait…Rick?_

All of a sudden she was wide awake. She laid her hand over the one which was still running soothing circles over her abdomen. Feeling the presence of the other hand the circulations stopped. She could even feel him holding his breath.

Kate tried to turn around in their tangled arms, which was not an easy task to do. When she was finally able to face him she looked up into the deep blue of his eyes. Castles eyes were full of sadness and fear that she would reject him-again.

When Kate spoke her voice was strained "Rick. I…when did you get here?"

Glazing at the clock on her wall he replied "A couple hours ago."

"I'm glad you came." She admitted barely over a whisper.

"I came because I think it's time for us to talk." His voice was tensed letting her know that he hadn't forgiven her but that he was ready to hear her out.

"I know it doesn't make things better but I'm sorry, I'm so sorry how I dropped the news on you. I handled it terrible and I lashed out I…" Kate begged, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"Hey shhh Kate... I know you're sorry and I know you can't take your words back but they're still out there and I can't…I can't just forget them. But what about we first eat something before we talk about any of it? I brought Chinese." He brought his thumb up while talking, brushing away her tears.

"I'm not hungry." Kate replied in a whisper.

"You _have_ to eat." Rick insisted getting up and reaching his hand out for her to help her get up.

"Did you bring my favorite? Chicken and shrimps?" she asked slowly not able to look at him at all.

Rick handed her a sweater he had found on the floor. "Yes of course I did."

After she had put on the sweater Kate gave him a smile. "Thank you. That's really sweet of you."

"Well someone has to take care of you and the baby." He answered simply.

She tensed at the word baby,still not used to hear him saying it out loud. She shook her head and went to the kitchen without saying anything to the topic.

Kate put the take out containers in the microwave to heat them up. While she waited for the Bing of the microwave to signal her that the food was heated up she leaned against the kitchen counter crossing her arms over chest.

It had taken him another two days before he had come to see her. Their fight was five days ago but imprinted on the back of her mind like it was yesterday.

Castle entered the kitchen and got two plates out of the cabinet putting them on the table.

After he had put the chopsticks on the side of each plate he sat down on one of the chairs, he didn't look up when he voiced his first question. "How far along are you?"

Kate sighed but answered him right away "Nearly four weeks."

"When is your next appointment? I mean to check on the…baby?"

"Next week."

"Next week?" Rick questioned "so soon?"

"Yes. I…" Kate stopped, she knew she had to tell him the truth why she had the next appointment already next week but she was afraid of how he would react.

" Dr. Talbert wants to talk with me about … a couple things." She starred up at the ceiling and hoped he hadn't noticed her slip.

But this was Castle and he had caught her hesitation to the question.

His jaw tensed. "He wants to talk with you about the abortion." He spitted out, looking at her with disgust.

"Gooosh Kate" he went on "Have you maybe already _made_ an abortion appointment? Do you really want to talk with me at all? Or is this just you pretending that you give me a chance?"

The bing of the microwave startled both of them and Kate, glad to have something to distract herself with, took the take out containers out of the microwave and walked with them over to the table and put them down before she took a seat.

"Answer me Kate." He demanded his hand was balled into a fist.

"No. I haven't made an appointment and I'll not make one without talking to you first." She waited till Rick looked up and into her eyes. "I promise."

He released his breath and picked up his chopsticks reaching out to one of the take out containers and putting a little bit of the Chinese food onto his plate.

"It's just" he murmured "I'm not sure about anything when it comes to you and your pregnancy. I don't know what you would and wouldn't do."

Kate taking the take out container out of his hand and putting some of the shrimps on her plate stared down onto her food for a couple seconds before she replied.

"I know that it looks like I already made all the decision-but I haven't. I mean it when I say that I want us to talk about this. You're my boyfriend and…" she continued after a pause "this is as much your decision as mine and I would _never _take that away from you."

They ate in silence for a while neither of them knowing what to say. When they were both done with their food Kate threw the take out containers in the trash while Rick put the plates into the dishwasher. When they finally sat back down across from each other Rick was the one to break the silence.

"Kate, why don't you want to have this baby?" he stared into her face trying to find the answers he desperately needed, but she was just biting her lip not saying anything.

She needed quite a while before she was able to answer him, there were so many possibilities to answer this question and she didn't know where to begin so she started with the obvious.

"This isn't the right time. Rick we don't even _live_ together. We're only dating for a year; there is so much we haven't talked about yet. I have the feeling that a baby would be too much for us right now. I'm not ready to be a mom. I.." Rick interrupted her.

"So what, we don't live together. We can change that if you want, you can move into the loft tomorrow If thats whats bothering you. And so what, we have been dating for only a year we know each other for more than five years now Kate. How long do you want us to be together before we have kids? Yes of course the timing is not the best but we can't change it. It's how it is and that's ok. We _can _make it work Kate- but only if we want to."

"And that's exactly what I _don't_ want Rick. I don't want us to rush into things just because we're expecting a baby!"

"Kate be honest with yourself, it was time for you to move in with me quite a while ago we just never pressured the issue."

"And know all of a sudden we do?" she questioned back.

"Yes now we do Kate. Because for once we talk with each other about where we think this relationship is going. So let me ask you this Kate, do you want to have kids?"

"Yes" she whispered.

"Okay and do you want to have kids with me?"

"Yes" she admitted looking down on the kitchen table; she could feel Ricks gaze on her when he continued

"Then why don't you want _this_ baby?"

"Because it means such a huge change in my life Rick! Have you ever thought about my job? What it means for me going out in the field knowing that there is a baby for me waiting at home? That it means that you can't follow me around anymore? That I would fear every day that I die while being on a case, having my child growing up without a mother? That I think that this is a big burden for our relationship and that I'm afraid that our relationship may break under so much pressure? That I want to have you for myself for a couple more years? Maybe we'll suck at being parents Rick! It's the truth when I tell you that I'm not ready to be a mom- at least not now."

"You would never suck at being a parent Kate. You're extraordinary and you're able to deal with so much every day. You'll be an amazing mom! Trust into your abilities Kate, you're the best cop this city has ever seen, two loyal partners on your side which will protect you no matter what. I would never be afraid that you'll maybe not come home one night cause I know you would do _everything_ to avoid that. And I love you Kate more than anything and I will do everything I can to make this work and I believe that what we have is forever. I said that I'll be on your side -_always_. I'm not gonna break that promise."

Kate was at a loss of words. She didn't know how to voice all of her fears.

"Kate I know this means that everything will change but that's not a bad thing. Give it a chance. I promise you everything will be ok!"

"You can't promise me the world, Rick." She replied simply.

"But I wish I could." He looked into her eyes and she saw all the worry and concern that she would shut him out again.  
"I know you do. The truth is: we shouldn't make promises we can't keep. I can't promise you that I'll keep the baby." His heart broke into a million pieces when he heard her saying it but somehow she was able to fix it or at least started to put it back together when she continued 'but I can promise you that I'll think about it."

**thoughts? You guys know reviews are everything to me! **

**And who else is super excited for tomorrow? I literally CANT WAIT! **


	7. The Diner

**I'm really excited to share this chapter with you guys. Till now its my favorite cause I just love the dynamic between Kate and her Dad. Hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do. :)**

Rick was still half asleep when he felt someone moving beside him, he rolled over and put his arm out to get a hold on Kate- stopping her from getting out of bed.

"Come back. Stay in bed." He mumbled half of his face pressed into the pillow.

Kate chuckled and leaned towards him, kissing him on the cheek and running her hand through his hair. "Sleep a little more. I'm having breakfast with my dad." She replied before getting up and moving into the direction of the bathroom.

Rick heard the shower going on and relaxed into the mattress. He felt happy, not as happy as he could've been but much better than the last previous days.

Kate hadn't agreed on keeping the baby but at least she didn't seem too determined about her decision anymore- even promised him to think about the option of having this child.

He wouldn't push her, hell he would give her all the time she needs if it would mean that there was the slightest chance that he would have a family with her.

She hadn't told him that she was meeting up with her dad, but then again they hadn't talked to each other for five days. It was just natural that she wanted to talk with her dad about it; she had talked with his Mother, even though Martha hadn't told him anything about the conversation- only that he should man up and go talk to her.

He must've fallen asleep cause he woke up again to someone shaking him slightly.

"Rick" Kate spoke softly "Hey Rick wake up."

"Wassup?" he muttered while rubbing his face with both hands.

Kate chuckled, fascinated how he looked like the cutest little boy not ready to get up yet.

"You can stay in bed if you want." She whispered into his ear "But I gonna go now, just wanted to let you know."

Rick moved his fingers gently over the soft skin of her forearms while asking "You gonna come back?" Kate was startled a little by his question but getting where he was coming from, he was afraid that after the talk with her dad she maybe would disappear.

She brought her hand up and put it against his cheek- smiling down on him. "Whatever happens I'm gonna come back. Promise." And to seal this promise she pressed her lips soft against his. When she pulled away he could hear the faint whisper of a "See you later" before he closed his eyes and fell asleep again. Catching up on all the sleepless night of the last couple days.

Jim was already sitting in their usual booth when Kate entered the dinner they had gone to since she was a little kid.

"Hey Dad" she greeted when she slipped into the seat.

"Hey Katie. How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while. How's everything going with Rick?"

She bit her lip not really sure about how she should start this conversation.

Jim fixes his eyes on her face -noticing her shifting from site to site in her seat and knotting her hands in her lap.

"Katie." He tried again "What's wrong?"

Looking up into her father's eyes she spilled the secret. "I'm pregnant" releasing her breath when the words leave her mouth.

Her father eyes light up. "That's great news. Congratulations." His smile fades when he catches up on Kates shiftlessness. "Not good news then?! Does Rick not want the baby?" he questions.

"No" she blurts out "No he's" Kate makes a pause "…excited."

Jim reaches over the table and takes her hands in his.

"So if Rick isn't the issue. What is it Katie?"

Kate takes a little time breathing in and out before answering her dad. Having him asking her about the issue makes her feel ridiculous. She's always the issue, isn't she? Always the one holding back. How messed up can a person be? Apparently pretty much if she was looking at herself.

"I'm the problem Dad. I don't want it. I…I'm not ready." She looks up under her long lashes not knowing how her father reacts to these news, but her dad is giving her nothing than a reassuring smile and squeezes her hands. "You know what's funny? Your mom didn't want to have you when she first heard that she was pregnant."  
"What? She always told me she couldn't wait to hold me in her arms." Kate replies.  
"Yes." He chuckles thinking back at that time "When she got used to the thought of being a mom she couldn't wait." Jim squeezes her hand again smiling at her. "You were the best thing that could've ever happened to us."

Kate has to blink away the tears, she knows that she was everything for her parents-still is for her dad -but it feels good to hear him say it out loud.  
"How could she not wanted to be a mom? She was married, had a house, a great job." Kate wonders out loud. She couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that her Mom at some point didn't want to have her. It makes her feel more at ease with herself to have this little piece of information, knowing that her mom went at least a little bit through the same things she did right now.  
"What if I ask you the same question?" Her Dad points out "You have Rick, a big apartment, a job- how come you don't want the baby?"  
Kate sighs and looks out of the window. "That's not the same. Rick and I are not married we don't even live together."  
"A lot of couples aren't married when they get a baby." Jim says not satisfied with her answer.  
Taking a sip of the tea she ordered Kate gulps down the hot liquid before looking up again and making her point. "But most of these expecting moms are not cops"  
Jim raises his eyebrow. " I never thought the Job would be something that stops you from getting everything out of life."  
"Really, Dad?! Weren't you the one telling me, that you would not be able to sleep anymore, cause you would know that I'm out there chasing bad guys- able to get shot at any minute when I first joined the academy?"  
"Point taken. But you shouldn't punish a baby for a decision you made years ago."  
"How do I punish the baby?" Kate asks irritated.  
"Well, what you're basically telling me is that you can't have the baby cause you're a cop. " Jim says before taking a sip of his coffee.  
"No" Kate insist "What I'm telling you is that I don't _want_ to have the baby cause I'm a cop."

Jim shakes his head slightly "Katie. You're never able to promise to come home every night, doesn't matter what job you're having."

She knows he's right. She could never promise to come home at the end of the day- that's a promise _nobody_ can make. "But the chances are higher if you're not a cop." She replies on a faint whisper.  
"Maybe they are, but that shouldn't stop you from _having_ a life. You put the job first for years before Rick came around, making you realize that there is other stuff worth living for. And now it gets messy and you're hiding in your work again. But right now you should put yourself first- what do you want? If you wouldn't have the job what would you do?"

"I don't know dad. I really don't know." Kate whispers in a hushed tone and shakes her head.

"It's just I can't stop picturing the kid growing up without a mom. I don't want that my child has the same fate I had. I don't want them to end up like me. Broken…waiting for someone to come around and put them back together. I don't want that for my baby." Kate is on the edge of crying again. Great, was there _one_ day in the last week she hadn't cried?

"That's it isn't it?" her Dad speaks softly "You're scared that this child will have the same fate you had. But Kate not all families break apart. You shouldn't think this way. Sometimes you only see the shattered pieces but Kate there is so much more to it. Even though your mother's death was the worst thing that ever happened to us- it made you who you are now. And you're amazing Katie, you've grown up to be such an inspiring and wonderful woman. Don't throw your chance of happiness away just because life dealt you awful cards. You made the best out of your situation and you should make the best out of _this_ situation. It'll maybe turn out to be equally amazing."

Kate looks up into her Dads eyes, they both were never ones to talk about their feelings much and this speech may be the only time were he told her what he was thinking about the person she had become. She gave him a smile, so glad that he was there for her- helping her in a way he may not even know.

"Thanks Dad. But what if this isn't the right moment? I just…I don't feel like it is. I don't have the feeling that I can be a mom right now." She bites her lip again desperately hoping that her Dad has an answer to this question as well. Something that will take away all of her fears and insecurities.

Jim sighs, stroking his thumb over Kates knuckles. He gives her one last piece of advice, the last thing he has to offer.  
"Katie. Let me tell you one thing: the timing is_ never_ right. The perfect moment doesn't exist. At one point you just have to jump in even though you're scared. It'll be worth it."  
"I'm not sure if I can" she whispers.  
"Give yourself time. You'll find out what's right for you and I promise you" and he looks into her eyes "I promise you" he repeats "the moment you make your decision- and not out of shock, or denying or cause it's the easy thing to do- Rick will be with you on this."

**Be nice and maybe leave a review? Would mean the world to me. :) **


End file.
